Chasing that First High
NEIRAD enilno edition
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A Gritty Memoir of “Growing Up on Methamphetamines”
When I looked up the definition of “addict” in the dictionary, the explanation, “to give up (to a strong habit)” came up. Before, I would have thought that was wrong. Addicts don’t give up…they persevere. They fight for the drugs they think they need to live. They do anything but give up. Don’t they?
After reading Nic Sheff’s book, “Tweak,” I’ve come to realize that the definition of addict is completely correct, (as are most definitions in the dictionary). Nic Sheff, a 22- year -old drug user and alcoholic, is the exact definition of an addict. He gave everything away: his family, his friends, his job, and almost his entire life in pursuit of narcotics and trying to achieve, “that first time high.”
“Tweak” is a memoir Nic wrote during the same time his father, David Sheff, was writing his own book entitled, “Beautiful Boy.” David’s book is about the difficulties he faced as a father watching his son struggle through his addictions. Unlike his father’s book, Nic doesn’t include as many fuzzy childhood memories of when he was living with his dad and step-mom in San Francisco. Instead Nic offers a raw and hard core narrative of what it’s like trying to survive when you have nothing left.
The book starts off with Nic living on the streets of Los Angeles, spending everything in his savings account on meth and “speed balls.” Even when he was down to $200 he says, “I have to cut back so I stop buying food and crap like that.” After his money is gone he gets caught up in selling crack with a friend he calls Gack, but after they try to make the stash bigger by adding shavings of soap, their street reputation is ruined and they have to stay low for fear of getting beaten.
While Nic tries hard to keep the book in the present moment, he sometimes strays and writes about stories that happened in the past. They are horrifying stories of prostituting himself for money and drugs, getting high at age 12, and living in his car for months at a time.
However depressing this book gets, there are a few uplifting sections. After he bottoms out following a $5,000 drug spree, Nic calls an old AA sponsor named Spencer who is a recovering alcoholic. Spencer is a true inspiration. He and Nic go on long bike rides together and Spencer tries to convince Nic to trust in God or his higher “being.” Spencer shows him how a higher power can give him strength to completely kick drugs. While Nic has trouble grasping the concept of a higher being, he really respects Spencer and treats him like a father for the short time he is sober with him.
It’s interesting to see how the same story differs depending on the writer. After Nic relapses the first time, his father, David, writes about feeling like his world had ended and not being able to get off the kitchen floor because he was crying so hard. His father also writes about the difficulty of knowing that he couldn’t help Nic unless he agreed to go back to rehab.
Perhaps this is why after Nic calls him for the first time in three months and asks for money, David says no and hangs up. Nic takes this as a sign of his father not loving him or caring about his well being, but David knows that the only way to help out Nic is to convince him to go back to rehab.
What’s frustrating about the book though, is that Nic’s such a nice guy. It wouldn’t be that bad if he was a self-centered, pompous brat, but he’s really not. He cares so much about his family and his friends and he knows that his addiction is ruining all of his relationships with them, but he can’t muster the willpower to stop.
You really feel awful for Nic when he relapses and it’s difficult to flip the pages because you know what’s coming will just be far worse. It’s also very eye opening about the stress drug use puts on your body. Nic talks about getting high on meth and feeling like there was nothing wrong in the world, until he started coming down from the high. Then he’d feel like bugs were crawling all over his body and he’d be so weak he could hardly stand. After a particularly long stretch of non-stop drug use, he sleeps for four days straight, only waking to throw up or shoot up more heroin. Another time, after using a dirty needle, he gets a horrible skin infection and almost loses his arm. It’s interesting to see what he considers to be important information because the part where he mentions almost losing his arm is just a few pages long. He also chooses to omit a whole section about his father suffering from a major brain hemorrhage which left him bed ridden for a few months. I think it’s important to read both books, preferably David’s book first, because they both contain the vital information you need to get the complete story.
What’s especially unique about “Tweak” is that Nic is anything but preachy. He doesn’t try to warn teens away from drugs or tell them they’re making a huge mistake. He simply recalls his past and reading his just words is enough to convince anyone that drugs are nothing to mess around with without serious consequences. Nic is doing well today and has been sober for about a year. He is living in the West with his girlfriend and works as a model at an art institute and regularly attends AA meetings.
Nic is a fantastic writer who pens his story with nothing but honesty and sincerity. He puts his whole past right in front of you and leaves it there so that you can interpret it however you wish. Nic doesn’t ask for pity or for sympathy, he doesn’t care about being “accepted” or being rejected. He’s just writing from his soul and all he asks is that you read it.
